Dear Sayang, Life Moves Forward (Somehow)?

Hi Sayang,

I don’t even know where to begin. Maybe with the obvious—I miss you. That hasn’t changed, and I doubt it ever will. But today, I just want to talk to you like I used to, telling you everything that’s happening, knowing that if you were here, you’d listen with that quiet patience of yours, shaking your head at how much I pile on my plate.

I’ve been working so much lately. Juggling a financial account for a small agency, handling management accounts for an NGO (which, by the way, is a mess—don’t even get me started on the ledger), and there’s also this consultancy proposal I’m working on. You’d probably say, “When do you plan to rest?” and I’d laugh it off, but we both know you’d be worried. I know I should slow down. I promise I will—by the end of April, I’ve decided to take a step back, breathe a little. Me time. You’d approve of that, right?

And, Sayangku, I have some heavy news. A friend of mine has been diagnosed with cancer. The moment I heard it, I felt this cold weight settle over me. It took me back to us, to our fight, to those long nights where I held your hand, refusing to let go. It’s different, of course—every battle is different—but it still stings in a way I can’t put into words. It makes me want to hold everyone I love a little tighter. It makes me miss you even more, if that’s even possible.

Sometimes I look at everything I’m doing and wonder—how am I still standing? I keep thinking I’m not doing enough, that I’m falling behind, but when I list it all out, I realize, wow, I’ve been moving forward all this time without even noticing. And yet, there’s still this hole, this space you left behind that nothing else quite fills. I keep my promise to you, though. I try my best every day. Some days are harder than others, but I’m still here, still pushing, still living.

Oh, and before I forget—I’m applying for a consultancy job. You’d probably raise an eyebrow at me, wondering when I’m going to squeeze this into my schedule, but you know me. I like a challenge. And, deep down, I think you’d be proud of me. At least, I hope you would be.

I’ll keep writing to you. Even if you can’t answer, I know somehow, somewhere, you’re still listening. And maybe, just maybe, you’re still watching over me, making sure I don’t completely overwork myself. I’ll be okay. I promise.

Always missing you,
Your Baby 

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