Raya plan...without you

Dear Sayang,

How are you doing?

The last week of Ramadan has been heavy, and I wish I could just sit next to you and tell you everything like I used to. I miss that—the way you’d listen, nodding at the right moments, making me feel like I wasn’t carrying everything alone.

Pak Ndak was warded because of heart and lung problems. It’s been worrying, and then, as if that wasn’t enough, Mak Ndak had to go for emergency surgery due to some stomach issues. And if that wasn’t already too much, Mak Teh got into an accident and is also in the hospital now. So, kampung is empty. No one is there this Raya.

And then, just when I thought the world couldn’t throw more at us, there was a 7.7 earthquake in Myanmar. The tremors reached Bangkok. It reminded me how small we are in the face of everything, how fragile life is.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about the Sabah trip. Part of me really wants to go, but another part wonders if I should just use that budget to get a new fridge. It’s funny how something so small can feel like such a big decision when I don’t have you here to talk it through with.

For Raya, I’ve planned my day. I’ll start by going to Bonda’s house for Raya prayers. Then, I’ll visit your grave and Ayah’s grave. After that, I’ll head to Hana’s house in Gombak. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll continue our usual routine—going out for ice cream, like we always did every holiday. It won’t be the same without you, but I think you’d like that I’m keeping the little things we loved.

After Raya, I’ll be helping Angah start working out. We’re planning to go around the lake together. It feels like a good step forward, something to keep me grounded. I know you’d probably tease me about whether I’d actually follow through, but I think I will. Maybe. Probably.

I miss you. More than I can put into words. More than I can carry some days. I just needed to tell you all this, even if I don’t hear your voice responding. But I imagine what you’d say, and that helps. Just a little.

Always, Me.

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