Dear Sayang

Hi Sayang,

I wish you were here so I could tell you everything. Life has been moving forward, in that strange way it does—messy, chaotic, sometimes exhausting. I’ve been trying to keep up. Trying to live. Trying to figure out what life looks like without you physically here.

I finally decided to declutter the house. It’s long overdue, but you know me—I would’ve taken years if I did it alone. So, I’m getting professionals to help. I’m keeping some of your things, though. Just a small box. Because some parts of you, I need to hold onto. The rest, I’m letting go, not because I want to erase you, but because I need space to breathe. I think you’d understand.

Oh, and I’m getting a new fridge! The old one is barely keeping things cold anymore, and you know I can’t deal with half-functioning appliances. Also, a new bed—because maybe, just maybe, better sleep will find me again. Not that it’s working right now. I keep falling asleep at odd hours, waking up late at night, searching for you in my dreams. I found you last week, twice. But this week, I can’t seem to reach you. I try, Sayangku. I try so hard. Maybe that’s why I sleep so much—to find you again. But you feel farther away, and I hate it.

Between all this, the world keeps turning in its usual chaos. The stock market is plunging, Gaza is suffering, and people are scrambling for Eid preparations like they don’t have a care in the world. And me? I’m just here, caught between moving forward and holding on.

I booked a trip to Kota Kinabalu. Island hopping, just like we talked about before. No fish, though, you know I’d never do that to myself. I might visit our hometown before I go, just to see everyone. I’ll plan it so I don’t get stuck in traffic—I can already hear you teasing me about that.

I miss you. So much, sometimes it feels like a physical ache. But I’m still here, love. I’m still trying. And I hope, wherever you are, you’re proud of me.

Always,
Me

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