A Me Day, and Then the Tears Came

Yesterday, I had a me day. A day just for myself, to do whatever I wanted, without obligations or expectations. I allowed myself to enjoy the little things—things that once felt normal but now feel like small victories.

I went out, treated myself, and for a while, I felt… okay. Maybe even happy. It wasn’t a forced happiness, just a quiet contentment, a reminder that I can still have good days. It felt nice to take a break from the heaviness, to focus on myself without guilt.

But grief has a way of creeping in when you least expect it.

This morning, I woke up and realized I didn’t dream of him. I wanted to, so badly. I went to sleep hoping to see him, even just for a moment. But he wasn’t there. And that emptiness hit me like a wave.

So I cried. And cried.

I know he wouldn’t like seeing me like this. He’d probably shake his head, sigh dramatically, and ask, "Nak kena bebel ke?" But I also know he’d hold me, let me bury my head in his chest, and just be there. And that’s what I miss the most—the way he always knew how to comfort me, without me even asking.

I haven’t written to him in a few days, and I wonder if that’s why today feels so heavy. So here I am, writing to him again.


---

Sayang,

It’s already the 22nd of Ramadan.

As usual, your lovely wife only had a drink for sahur. Yes, I know—you’re probably shaking your head and bebel-ing in your way. And yes, I know the fridge is full of food. I promise I’ll try to finish it little by little.

I realized I haven’t written to you much lately. I hope you’re not mad. You’re always in my thoughts, in my prayers. Every night before I sleep, I still call for you, still wish to meet you in my dreams.

But this morning, I woke up, and you weren’t there. No dream, no glimpse of you. And it hurt. I cried, Sayang. And I know you wouldn’t like that because you always needed to fix things when I was upset. You always wanted to know exactly what I needed, so you could make it better. But this… this is something even you can’t fix.

You know, I miss laying my head on your lap. I miss the manja sessions, the quota of hugs and kisses. I used to love listening to your heartbeat—it always soothed me. And now, it’s just… gone. My quota has run out, and there’s no way to refill it.

But enough crying, right, Sayang? I can almost hear you saying that. So I’ll try. I’ll try to live my best life—for me, for you, for us.


---

Some days, I can smile. Some days, I break down. And that’s okay. Grief doesn’t have rules.

Yesterday was a good day. Today was hard. And maybe tomorrow will be something else entirely. But I’ll keep going. I’ll keep remembering. And I’ll keep writing to him—because love like this doesn’t just disappear.

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